On February 6 of this year, I began a lifestyle change. I started working out 6 days a week, running 6 days a week and I totally changed the way I eat. So far, I have seen amazing progress. When I started running I could not run two minutes without being winded. I now can run 3.1 miles without stopping. I will be running my FIRST EVER 5K on May 18. I started lifting weights. I now have definition in my legs, arms, and stomach. Im nowhere near where I want to be but I am totally different from where I was on February 6. My attitude has also changed. I have a totally different mindset now compared to February 6. And it feels so amazing. I havent felt this good in, well, my whole life if Im being honest (and that is what I said I would be when I started this blog, honest).
Is it always easy to remain positive? Absolutely not. Do I always want to run or lift weights? HELL NO. Are there days where I dont want to eat 5-6 times or days where I just want to have something unhealthy? Youre damn right there are. I was anorexic for a LONG TIME. Those thoughts and that mindset dont ever go away completely. There are harder days than others, days when my motivation is almost nothing or Im exhausted or Im just pissed off in general. BUT on those days, I workout anyway. I eat 5-6 times anyway and I make healthy choices anyway. I reframe my thinking and remind myself that life is too short to be pissed off for long. I feel so good when I lay down in bed after a "hard" day, knowing I pushed through it. Im proud of myself. I can say, with 100% honesty, this is the first time in my life that I have been proud of myself. It is a powerful feeling. And its about damn time I felt it!
"What motivates you?" someone recently asked. I had not really thought of what motivates me until the question was posed. My response, after thinking about it, was, "So many things"...
~ I was tired of hating myself. For anyone that has struggled with self hate, you know how exhausting it is. I still have my moments (I wouldnt expect two decades of self hate to completely disappear after two months) but the difference is, they are just moments now.
~ When I was pregnant with Logan, I was essentially on bedrest for 8 months. I can remember lying in bed, feeling like absolute shit, and thinking to myself, "After he is born, I will never take mobility for granted again". (It took me two years to actually act on that thought but hey, I got there eventually!)
~ I want to wear shorts this summer. I have not worn shorts in probably 10 years. I live in Arizona. Its hot here. I WILL wear shorts this summer and feel ok about it!
~ Im a nurse on a bone marrow transplant floor. Seeing the things I see on a weekly basis, seeing how peoples lives are changed in an instant with a cancer diagnosis, seeing suffering, seeing hope, seeing death, seeing fear, seeing positivity in the face of grave odds, seeing a smile on a patients face despite not knowing if they will live to be another year older...if that doesnt humble someone or cause them to have a new outlook on life then I dont know what will. Every time I work, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I am humbled in some way and reminded of how lucky I am. Thats not to say I dont get down from time to time...I still struggle on some level with depression and anxiety but not nearly to the degree that I used to. Sure, my life sucked for awhile. Everyone goes through some degree of darkness I think. And thats ok. Its about finding your way out again, finding that light again. Because once you find that light again its 100 times more beautiful then it was before the darkness. And I am thankful my job helped me in my journey out of the dark (I realize that sounds totally cliche, its all I could come up with at 2:05am, sorry).
~ The feeling after a good workout is addicting. Its definitly better than any drug or any amount of therapy. Im a huge proponent of therapy, dont get me wrong. It saved my life at one point. But the feeling I have after a good workout is unparalled to anything Ive ever felt before.
~ Having a more positive mindset just makes life more enjoyable. Period.
~ I have energy now. I always thought that working nights was the cause of my general lack of energy when really, my lack of exercise and my negative outlook was, I think, the root of my decreased energy. Now certainly thats not to say I dont ever get tired or feel lazy. Switching from a night schedule to a day schedule still kicks my ass sometimes BUT overall, my energy level has increased greatly.
~ I was tired of letting other people "win". Without going in to specifics, I will simply say that for over two decades I allowed other peoples actions (or inactions) get the better of me. I truly think I needed to experience all of the emotions that came along with that to get me to where I am now: I needed to be mad, I needed to be sad, I needed to feel rage, I needed to feel absolutely shitty to get where I am now. Ive taken control of my life instead of allowing other people to figuratively and literally have control. This is MY life damn it.
~ My marriage was in jeopardy. And I have no problem admitting that. There was a point where I believed that if things did not work out between Eric and I that I would crumble on my own. After thinking that for about a week I said to myself, "Thats pathetic Meredith. Learn to be ok with yourself for god sake. Youre 30 years old. Its time to be content with yourself". Thankfully Eric and I are past that rough patch. But Im also thankful we went through it because it made me so much stronger. Im motivated every day just simply knowing Im ok with ME. (There may be some people reading this thinking, "I would never air my dirty laundry like that about my marriage". And thats fine. I certainly feel there are things that are kept private between a husband and wife but one thing Ive made a pact with myself to never do is push things under the rug that arent pleasant to discuss. Nothing good ever comes from that. And I know Eric would agree when I say that perhaps by talking about the fact that our marriage hasnt always been roses and chocolate covered strawberries, we can help another couple that may be going through a difficult time. Thats all.)
~ Anorexia can kiss my ass. Because it is not going to run my life anymore. I'M going to run my life.
~ Logan. Hes the best thing Ive ever done. Seeing his face everyday is motivation enough to do anything: to be the best mom that I can possibly be, to be the best version of myself. Because he deserves nothing less.
So there you have it, a few of the things that help motivate me.
Its pretty awesome to be motivated. Just sayin...
:o)
"Whether you think you can or you cant, youre right"
~M
Monday, April 8, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Simplicity
We recently went on 4 day trip up north to Pine, Arizona. It is a small town in the forest, with several hiking trails, quaint eateries and shops, and absolutely beautiful scenery. Eric had found a "cabin" on Vacation Rental by Owner (I say "cabin" because to me it was more like a house...my image of a cabin does not include running water or electricity, but I guess I need to update my image). It was a cozy, modern-with-a- touch-of-vintage, homey cabin with a stunning rock fireplace indoors and a wrap around deck outside that overlooked the treelined mountainside. It was on this deck that I found a moment of simplicity that I am so greatful I was able to experience...
I woke up at 5am, on purpose, on our second day there. I wanted to be up before everyone else (my parents and grandma had joined Eric, Logan, and myself) but most importantly I wanted to be up before the sun. I so badly wanted to see the sunrise. I woke up at 4:40 on my own and heard the soft sound of rain. As I lay in a half awake/still half asleep daze, I marveled at how neat it was to be in the forest during a rain shower. Because Ive lived in Phoenix now for almost 8 years, I yearn for an occassional rain shower every now and then. How lucky I was to be in the forest, awake before everyone, enjoying listening to the rain fall on the roof! It then dawned on me that what I was hearing was Logans white noise machine (we were sharing a bed with him)...well, it was a nice moment while it lasted...
I quietly dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants and put on my fuzzy socks. Pine is about 20 degrees cooler than Phoenix and I knew the morning would be chilly. I snuck out of the room, made a fresh pot of coffee, grabbed my book and a few blankets and made my way outside. As I burrowed down into my chair (which was positioned right in front of the door...Ill admit I was slightly afraid I would be attacked by a bear at that early hour) I looked up and was amazed at the number of stars overhead. I sat and gazed at them for a few minutes then began to read. As the minutes passed the darkness began to fade and I watched the mountain line in front of me turn a pale pink. This is exactly what I wanted to see. I put my book down and just sat in silence. It was SO quiet. As I sat in the silence I reflected on all that was good in my life...I know that may sound like a load of shit to some people or sound very cliche...trust me, there was a point in my life where if I had read what I just wrote I would have rolled my eyes and made some type of negative comment on how cheesy that thought sounded. I am so happy I am in a different place now. Anyway, as I was reflecting, I thought of the people still asleep in the cabin...the dad I was able to spend his 63rd birthday with, the mom whom I am still able to turn to for parenting advice, the husband that supports me day in and day out, the 90 year old grandmother that is able to watch my son grow, and the sweet 2 year old that steals my heart everyday...the only person missing was my baby sister and HER baby boy and while I longed for her to be asleep in that cabin also, I knew I would be seeing her soon..."I am so blessed", I thought to myself. I took a deep breath and said those words again in my head. I really wanted to feel those words, and I did....for that moment life was simple and I held onto that thought as long as I could...
The mountain line was now a firey red and the darkness had almost all faded away. I heard a rooster in the distance, the first sound I had heard since being outside. Not even 5 minutes after the rooster began crowing it seemed as if ALL of the birds in the forest woke up. How amazing that was to hear! I took another deep breath and realized that THIS feeling was what I was hoping to capture by waking up before the sun. I would have bottled it if I could have...
In my peripheral vision I saw my moms shadow. I turned and she waved through the glass sliding doors and motioned that she would be right out. I retrieved another chair and set it next to mine. When she came out she said, "How was the sunrise?!" I looked at her, smiled, and said, "It was perfect".
I woke up at 5am, on purpose, on our second day there. I wanted to be up before everyone else (my parents and grandma had joined Eric, Logan, and myself) but most importantly I wanted to be up before the sun. I so badly wanted to see the sunrise. I woke up at 4:40 on my own and heard the soft sound of rain. As I lay in a half awake/still half asleep daze, I marveled at how neat it was to be in the forest during a rain shower. Because Ive lived in Phoenix now for almost 8 years, I yearn for an occassional rain shower every now and then. How lucky I was to be in the forest, awake before everyone, enjoying listening to the rain fall on the roof! It then dawned on me that what I was hearing was Logans white noise machine (we were sharing a bed with him)...well, it was a nice moment while it lasted...
I quietly dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants and put on my fuzzy socks. Pine is about 20 degrees cooler than Phoenix and I knew the morning would be chilly. I snuck out of the room, made a fresh pot of coffee, grabbed my book and a few blankets and made my way outside. As I burrowed down into my chair (which was positioned right in front of the door...Ill admit I was slightly afraid I would be attacked by a bear at that early hour) I looked up and was amazed at the number of stars overhead. I sat and gazed at them for a few minutes then began to read. As the minutes passed the darkness began to fade and I watched the mountain line in front of me turn a pale pink. This is exactly what I wanted to see. I put my book down and just sat in silence. It was SO quiet. As I sat in the silence I reflected on all that was good in my life...I know that may sound like a load of shit to some people or sound very cliche...trust me, there was a point in my life where if I had read what I just wrote I would have rolled my eyes and made some type of negative comment on how cheesy that thought sounded. I am so happy I am in a different place now. Anyway, as I was reflecting, I thought of the people still asleep in the cabin...the dad I was able to spend his 63rd birthday with, the mom whom I am still able to turn to for parenting advice, the husband that supports me day in and day out, the 90 year old grandmother that is able to watch my son grow, and the sweet 2 year old that steals my heart everyday...the only person missing was my baby sister and HER baby boy and while I longed for her to be asleep in that cabin also, I knew I would be seeing her soon..."I am so blessed", I thought to myself. I took a deep breath and said those words again in my head. I really wanted to feel those words, and I did....for that moment life was simple and I held onto that thought as long as I could...
The mountain line was now a firey red and the darkness had almost all faded away. I heard a rooster in the distance, the first sound I had heard since being outside. Not even 5 minutes after the rooster began crowing it seemed as if ALL of the birds in the forest woke up. How amazing that was to hear! I took another deep breath and realized that THIS feeling was what I was hoping to capture by waking up before the sun. I would have bottled it if I could have...
In my peripheral vision I saw my moms shadow. I turned and she waved through the glass sliding doors and motioned that she would be right out. I retrieved another chair and set it next to mine. When she came out she said, "How was the sunrise?!" I looked at her, smiled, and said, "It was perfect".
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