Motivation

On February 6 of this year, I began a lifestyle change. I started working out 6 days a week, running 6 days a week and I totally changed the way I eat. So far, I have seen amazing progress. When I started running I could not run two minutes without being winded. I now can run 3.1 miles without stopping. I will be running my FIRST EVER 5K on May 18. I started lifting weights. I now have definition in my legs, arms, and stomach. Im nowhere near where I want to be but I am totally different from where I was on February 6. My attitude has also changed. I have a totally different mindset now compared to February 6. And it feels so amazing. I havent felt this good in, well, my whole life if Im being honest (and that is what I said I would be when I started this blog, honest).

Is it always easy to remain positive? Absolutely not. Do I always want to run or lift weights? HELL NO. Are there days where I dont want to eat 5-6 times or days where I just want to have something unhealthy? Youre damn right there are. I was anorexic for a LONG TIME. Those thoughts and that mindset dont ever go away completely. There are harder days than others, days when my motivation is almost nothing or Im exhausted or Im just pissed off in general. BUT on those days, I workout anyway. I eat 5-6 times anyway and I make healthy choices anyway. I reframe my thinking and remind myself that life is too short to be pissed off for long. I feel so good when I lay down in bed after a "hard" day, knowing I pushed through it. Im proud of myself. I can say, with 100% honesty, this is the first time in my life that I have been proud of myself. It is a powerful feeling. And its about damn time I felt it!

"What motivates you?" someone recently asked. I had not really thought of what motivates me until the question was posed. My response, after thinking about it, was, "So many things"...

~ I was tired of hating myself. For anyone that has struggled with self hate, you know how exhausting it is. I still have my moments (I wouldnt expect two decades of self hate to completely disappear after two months) but the difference is, they are just moments now.
~ When I was pregnant with Logan, I was essentially on bedrest for 8 months. I can remember lying in bed, feeling like absolute shit, and thinking to myself, "After he is born, I will never take mobility for granted again". (It took me two years to actually act on that thought but hey, I got there eventually!)
~ I want to wear shorts this summer. I have not worn shorts in probably 10 years. I live in Arizona. Its hot here. I WILL wear shorts this summer and feel ok about it!
~ Im a nurse on a bone marrow transplant floor. Seeing the things I see on a weekly basis, seeing how peoples lives are changed in an instant with a cancer diagnosis, seeing suffering, seeing hope, seeing death, seeing fear, seeing positivity in the face of grave odds, seeing a smile on a patients face despite not knowing if they will live to be another year older...if that doesnt humble someone or cause them to have a new outlook on life then I dont know what will. Every time I work, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I am humbled in some way and reminded of how lucky I am. Thats not to say I dont get down from time to time...I still struggle on some level with depression and anxiety but not nearly to the degree that I used to. Sure, my life sucked for awhile. Everyone goes through some degree of darkness I think. And thats ok. Its about finding your way out again, finding that light again. Because once you find that light again its 100 times more beautiful then it was before the darkness. And I am thankful my job helped me in my journey out of the dark (I realize that sounds totally cliche, its all I could come up with at 2:05am, sorry).
~ The feeling after a good workout is addicting. Its definitly better than any drug or any amount of therapy. Im a huge proponent of therapy, dont get me wrong. It saved my life at one point. But the feeling I have after a good workout is unparalled to anything Ive ever felt before.
~ Having a more positive mindset just makes life more enjoyable. Period.
~ I have energy now. I always thought that working nights was the cause of my general lack of energy when really, my lack of exercise and my negative outlook was, I think, the root of my decreased energy. Now certainly thats not to say I dont ever get tired or feel lazy. Switching from a night schedule to a day schedule still kicks my ass sometimes BUT overall, my energy level has increased greatly.
~ I was tired of letting other people "win". Without going in to specifics, I will simply say that for over two decades I allowed other peoples actions (or inactions) get the better of me. I truly think I needed to experience all of the emotions that came along with that to get me to where I am now: I needed to be mad, I needed to be sad, I needed to feel rage, I needed to feel absolutely shitty to get where I am now. Ive taken control of my life instead of allowing other people to figuratively and literally have control. This is MY life damn it.
~ My marriage was in jeopardy. And I have no problem admitting that. There was a point where I believed that if things did not work out between Eric and I that I would crumble on my own. After thinking that for about a week I said to myself, "Thats pathetic Meredith. Learn to be ok with yourself for god sake. Youre 30 years old. Its time to be content with yourself". Thankfully Eric and I are past that rough patch. But Im also thankful we went through it because it made me so much stronger. Im motivated every day just simply knowing Im ok with ME. (There may be some people reading this thinking, "I would never air my dirty laundry like that about my marriage". And thats fine. I certainly feel there are things that are kept private between a husband and wife but one thing Ive made a pact with myself to never do is push things under the rug that arent pleasant to discuss. Nothing good ever comes from that. And I know Eric would agree when I say that perhaps by talking about the fact that our marriage hasnt always been roses and chocolate covered strawberries, we can help another couple that may be going through a difficult time. Thats all.)
~ Anorexia can kiss my ass. Because it is not going to run my life anymore. I'M going to run my life.
~ Logan. Hes the best thing Ive ever done. Seeing his face everyday is motivation enough to do anything: to be the best mom that I can possibly be, to be the best version of myself. Because he deserves nothing less.

So there you have it, a few of the things that help motivate me.

Its pretty awesome to be motivated. Just sayin...

:o)

"Whether you think you can or you cant, youre right"
~M